Many communities have grief groups to help people after the loss of a loved one. Less common are one tailored toward people who lost someone to suicide.
Anna Gray is a substance abuse counselor in training. She says this type of grief is unique.
“There is a different level when the person you lost is both the victim and the perpetrator,” said Gray. “It leaves a big hole for people to try and fill afterwards.”
Gray and emergency services facilitator Missy Largey are co-facilitators for a new Survivors of Suicide Support Group in St. Germain.
Largey says when someone dies from suicide, people close to them potentially deal with guilt that is not always associated with other types of deaths.
“‘Should I have done more? Did I do too much? Did I enable? How did I not see the signs?’ There's a lot of what ifs and questioning yourself and them and maybe others involved,” said Largey. “That blame, I think, kind of shifts around and can be really heavy to carry.”
Both Largey and Gray know this kind of support is needed in the Northwoods. The suicide rates in Vilas and Oneida counties are around 18 deaths per 100,000, according to federal data. Rural areas largely have higher rates of suicide compared to urban areas.
“We are not unexposed from this, this type of trauma there, there are losses that are hitting the community, and I just think it's important for people to know that they aren't alone,” said Gray.
The support group is available for those who want to talk about their grief or just listen to others share their stories.
They held their first meeting in January.
“There's no judgment. It's acceptance, support. We're all there because we need the same thing, which is connection and ways to kind of manage our grief,” said Largey. “We're sitting there, and they can listen, listen is participating and just kind of offering that welcoming, inviting space for them to feel confidential, safe and that they know that they're not alone with their grief.”
Sue Mackowski knows how powerful these type of support groups can be. For nearly a decade, the bereavement specialist helped facilitate one in Rhinelander alongside a friend that had lost her son to suicide.
“Her grief was absolutely overwhelming her, and she had nowhere to go with it. She did not want to go to a general grief support group because the aspects of suicide are so unique that people don't feel comfortable sharing it in a general support group,” said Mackowski. “Her and I talked, and we decided that because there was no other specific group dedicated to survivors of suicide, that we'd start one.”
That group ran from 2011 until the COVID-19 pandemic in 2020.
Recently, Mackowski was getting more calls and an increased need to bring it back. She worked with Aspirus and Human Services to start it up again alongside her co-facilitator Amy Conley.
Between the first meeting in December and the second one in January attendance doubled.
“The whole point of the meeting is to be in a safe place where they can ask questions, where they can validate the emotions that they're feeling, or they can understand that what they're going through, they're not going crazy,” said Mackowski. “Suicide is such a powerful thing that people don't realize when they're grieving the loss of someone to suicide, it can just tear you apart.”
Neither group requires registration. There’s no fee.
“Some people are very reluctant to come because it's a huge step to go into a room of people you don't know, and to spill your guts, pretty much, to lay your emotions on the table,” said Mackowski. “It's a scary thing for people. We applaud them when they do show up that they had the courage to walk into the door.”
The Rhinelander group meets the second Saturday of each month from 10:00 to 11:00 a.m. at the Curran building at 315 S. Oneida Avenue. People with questions can contact Sue Mackowski at 715-777-5126.
The St. Germain group meets the third Wednesday of each month from 6:00 to 7:30 p.m. at the Red Canoe, 108 State Hwy 70. People with questions can contact: Missy Largey at mlargey4@gmail.com 978-833-0839 or Anna Gray at adetienne18@gmail.com 715-370-6303.
“I'd like to thank Heidi Pritzl as the Suicide Prevention Coordinator for coordinating us ladies getting together and determining where the need was in the community and how to get that rolling,” said Largey. “Also, to Melissa and Jolene over at the Red Canoe for offering such a warm, inviting space for people to come and offer support to each other.”
Mackowski also recommended the Wings grief education ministry out of Wausau as another resource that offers support online.
These groups are not meant for people struggling with suicidal thoughts. If you or someone you know is, call 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
